![]() ![]() Try operating a credit card reader now, prime minister! Presumably, Johnson is happy to take Sunak and everyone else down with him, or he’s assuming, given how bad the WhatsApps must be for the Tory brand, there’s no way they’ll ever get handed in to the inquiry, save being prised out of Rishi Sunak’s hands by Judge Heather Hallett herself, as the prime minister repeats different combinations of meaningless sentences, each containing the word “transparency”, until all his fingers are broken one by one using nutcrackers. It seems that 58 minutes ago, Johnson’s spokesman insisted that Johnson had already given all the WhatsApp messages to the Cabinet Office months back. It’s Wednesday afternoon and my deadline to hand in this funny column is approaching, but the inquiry’s deadline for receiving the WhatsApps is in 24 hours’ time. Given that Johnson’s brain, a squidgy conflation of meat, burps and pus, embodies the abstract idea of the infinite number of monkeys and their infinite number of typewriters, it’s statistically likely that one of his WhatsApps is simply a long list of now frowned-upon slang words for women, gay people and foreigners, unsullied by verbs, like something Lawrence Fox might cry out to himself as he finishes masturbating. Blacks are at the other pole.” “Working-class men… are… likely to be drunk, criminal, aimless, feckless and hopeless.” “If gay marriage was OK then a union be consecrated between three men, as well as two men, or indeed three men and a dog.” Imagine what Johnson said when he thought no one was listening. “Orientals… have larger brains and higher IQ scores. The things Johnson said in public while in office were stupid enough. Of course, no one must see WhatsApp messages that Johnson sent. It’s likely that one of his messages is a long list of now frowned-upon slang words for women, gay people and foreigners But I don’t think anyone in the Tory party realised quite how quickly the Boris-bear would start burrowing under the garden fence and out into the world of accountable behaviour, where cocking your leg against the tree of truth and crapping on the pavement of public life is unacceptable. Installing Boris Johnson, a proven liar trusted by few and unacquainted with the concept of shame, in No 10 was always going to backfire eventually, like releasing a fat bear into your garden to scare away the cats that defecate in the vegetables, and then realising there is now a fat bear in your garden. It was a classic Billy Bunter defence: “I didn’t eat your WhatsApp messages Jenkins, and anyway they were horrible.” And if the WhatsApps were lost how did anyone in the Cabinet Office get to look at them to decide they were irrelevant? No one at senior government level had thought it through. Tories should have to write all their communications on their hands in permanent marker. The health minister Lord Bethell lost his phone when a July 2021 hearing wanted it. How careless this government has been in this respect. But this week it decided they were in fact lost, and so couldn’t be submitted anyway. The previous week, the Cabinet Office had declared it deemed the WhatsApp messages too irrelevant to be worth submitting to the scrutiny of the judge. Like King Arthur in reverse, the government WhatsApp messages slept silently in a cave for eons, only to disappear in Albion’s hour of need. O n Wednesday morning, Judge Heather Hallett, head of the Covid inquiry, was still dismayed by the ongoing absence of the elusive government WhatsApp messages.
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